Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Tara's Trust post got me thinking. My favorite word to describe our Lord...Faithful. He's faithful to fulfill ALL His promises, I can't even be faithful about doing a daily blog! What would it be like, I wonder, if I were to fulfill all my promises? If every time I said I was going to do something, I did it, without fail. Even small things.

I know He is waiting for me to fulfill unkept promises, and still He waits for me faithfully. Our Lord waits for ME, personally. He is perfect and faithful and I cannot go to Him. Why can't I be as faithful to Him?

Friday, December 7, 2007

Christmas Edition Questionarre!

Thanks for the tag Tara! And thanks for the push I needed to get past the pumpkin patch! On to Christmas!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

I would have to say both, although I do lean towards the wrapping paper. Bags require tissue paper which seems almost impossible for me to remember at the store or keep neat when not in use. :) Tara, love your box idea, Ben's mom has some nesting boxes we always do that with but they're just Christmas themed, I never thought of wrapping them in special paper, knowing K she would just rip the paper off!

2. Real tree or artificial?

Artificial. Ben's parents gave us an artificial tree last year and this year I am going with a budget friendly repeat of that one. However, it is pre-lit and half the lights seem not to work or be replaceable, this is where having three sections of the tree that rotate come in handy :)

3. When do you put up the tree?

We don't have a specific day, we haven't done it yet this yet, we haven't gotten our lights up either. But I am not stressing about that this year. Lights and a tree are not what this season is about and I don't want to be focused on those kinds of things. Although I would like some light and a tree up at some point. :)

4.When do you take the tree down?

The day after Christmas! I am usually done by then and if I don't get it done during the break I just don't have as much motivation. Plus I figure the day after Christmas the kids will always still be distracted with their new toys and I can get it done!

5. Do you like eggnog?

Yes!!! Hot, cold, whip, cinnamon, nutmeg...I'll take it however it comes! Tara, here's hoping I need to drink Silk Nog this year with ya!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

When I was a teenager I got a hope chest (which I used to call my I hope (I get the heck out of here soon) chest!) and one Christmas I got dishes, bake ware and kitchen utensils to put in my hope chest for when I moved out. Funny how eager I was to move out, I look back and wonder why I didn't stay longer, my meals were cooked, my hot water paid for...ahhh to be young again :)

7. Do you have a nativity scene?

Yes, it's huge and ceramic and I don't know where to put it but the pieces are not separate so at least that's good. I want a small one for K to play with but have yet to get one yet.

8. Easiest person to buy for?

Kaitlyn, she's overjoyed with a pair of ruby red Dorothy slippers!

9. Hardest person to buy for?

Ben. He NEVER gives a list and is so hard to buy for. Still thinking on that one, I have a few weeks right? :)

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

I can't think of anything supremely awful at the moment.

11. Mail or e-mail Christmas cards?

Mail, I just need stamps!

12. Favorite Christmas movie?

The Snowman. It's an animated short movie about a boy and a snowman he makes that takes him to a wonderful snowman party. There are no words (except an introduction narrative), just music and if you've never seen it, you should!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

Whenever I remember "oh yeah, I should probably start shopping for Christmas before it arrives!"

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

I don't think so. Mom makes homemade fruitcake and Dad LOVES it, so we've never had to recycle that either! :)

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Food. I will be joining Tara this year for Christmas Eve.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?

CLEAR! Just love em!

17. Favorite Christmas song?

Oh Holy Night and Carol of the Bells

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

We have the morning to ourselves and then go to Ben's parents house in the afternoon.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph of course!

20. Angel on the tree top, or a star?

Angel I think.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

We open one gift on Christmas Eve, usually a new ornament to put on the tree and then the rest are opened in the morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?

Being worried about money. I hate that this happens every year. It's not like we go crazy but it seems like there's always one more thing to buy and it takes over everything else that this season is about. Hence the reason I don't care that I have no lights or tree up, I am not sweating the small stuff this year!

23. What I love most about Christmas?

I love that it feels like a time of renewal, to celebrate the birth of our Lord and have the reminder of what He came for always makes me feel like no matter what I've done throughout the year, he's always waiting with open arms to welcome me into fellowship with Him.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Pictures from the pumpkin patch

Ben, Kaitlyn and I took our first annual trip to the pumpkin patch today. I have decided it will be annual :) We didn't go for very long but it was a much needed family outing and we had a blast!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Time heals all wounds, right?

I have been trying to think of a way to move on from my previous post, two words I cannot seem to get past. It feels like if I write words over those ones then it just didn't happen. I am at peace knowing it just wasn't the right time, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

And to compound everything, my doctors office made everything so much worse. No one ever called me or even showed any compassion when I called them. I know this happens to many women, but I am one woman and this was monumental for me. A little compassion wouldn't hurt them. Now I am trying to figure out if I even should bother letting them know I lost the baby, they didn't seem to care while it was happening so why would they care now? I am hoping that my referral for an OBGYN went through and that I can go talk to someone who knows what they are talking about and has some sympathy and bedside manner to go with their fancy doctorate.

Like I said, I know this is common, I KNOW there is a bigger plan, I KNOW we can have others, but it will never be that one. There is still a person I will always wonder about and will never know, at least not in this life.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Guess what...

I'm pregnant. :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


I just looked up the definition of that word and it SO does not mean how we use it in my house, but I will give you the Nelson dictionary definition. :) Being mullygrubbed (or "mully" for short) means being in a funk. There is no real explanation or concrete reason you're just feeling blah. Well that's where I am right now. I am hormonally charged and I have no idea what's going on with my body. I am 5 days late now for my period with absolutely NO sign of it's approach and I have broken out like a teenager, which happened when I was pregnant with K. Nonetheless all three, count them 1, 2, 3 preganacy tests have been negative.

I have no patience for the kids, even my own. I feel anxious, who knows what about. I haven't prayed in weeks except with Kaitlyn and my prayers with her are very genuine and sincere but I can find no time for myself to read, pray, think. I have been cleaning like a mad woman all day and see no difference. Ben is now working nights so I don't see a lot of him, which means I have good time to get my homework done and clean the house but I just don't know. I know I was made for something better but I can't seem to make a commitment and stick to it and make a true and real change in my life or my relationship with God. My heart hurts and I know what advice I would give myself, if I were on the outside, but it's not as easy as all that. I know to change I have to want to change. And I want to want to change, but I guess I don't want to change enough that I actually act on it, does that make sense? I feel so alone right now which is ridiculous because I never get to be alone one second of the day :)

The funny thing is I know I have nothing to complain about. My life is so very blessed, but I guess this is just a cycle I go through. Kaitlyn cracks me up, she is precious and beautiful. I have a wonderful marriage. I just feel lost.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Sniff Sniff

I came across this picture today that I had totally forgotten about. We have a digital camera and I am not so good at getting the pictures printed, plus it just overwhelms me when I realize how I could spent the rest of my life scrap booking and still never be done :) It just touched me and I needed to share it...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Thursday, September 13, 2007


So Tara's blog got me thinking...I LOVE to share recipes with other women. When someone asks me for a recipe it is one of the highest compliments one could give me, that's just me. "Someone actually liked something I cooked enough to have it again and make it themselves? Happy day!"

So recently I have been wondering about why some women refuse to give out recipes. My stepmother is still wondering about the fudge recipe her grandmother gave to her that doesn't work. This was no accident for sure, my step mom is a wonderful cook and just knows that her grandmother messed it up on purpose. How sad that this recipe, and the memories that came of her making it all those years died with her. And when my step mom recently asked someone if they could exchange recipes sometime the person rudely said she "didn't have time for that sort of thing." So here's my challenge ladies...give out your "secret" recipe. You don't have to give it to me, but give someone the recipe that comforts you more than any other, or one that is just so delectable you just sigh at that first bite. I don't think any of my friends are like this but I had to get that one out. :)

More randomness...

Kaitlyn ate a corn dog for lunch today. I don't know why this is such a big deal, but to me it just is. I gave it to her, stick and all, and she daintily dipped it in ketchup and ate the entire thing. And then when we were in the car today she shouted "It's a truck!" Was that a sentence? Alright I will admit it came out more like "Eesh sha twuck!" but I knew what she meant. All these little things that are so huge right now. I will never get used to how sad it makes me. I know I should be excited, but something in me knows it will never be like this again.

Which brings me to my next topic, (hey I warned you it was random today) the next baby. Still no period and a negative HPT yesterday which makes me think there's no way because with K I took the same kind of test (the $ Tree ones) 2 days before my period was due and got a positive. I was supposed to start yesterday so I would think if I was pregnant I would get a positive by now. And somehow the obsession has died a little. Don't get me wrong we are still trying and I will be thrilled if I was but I am at peace knowing it is not my timing I should be concerned with.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

It's the little things...

There are some things I get so excited about. This is not the new car kind of excited, or even the new Coach bag kind of excited. (The whole $300 purse things still confuses me) I am talking about the infamous "little things." My days are full of them. Yesterday it amused me to no end that Kaitlyn now laughs at a certain part of Dora the Explorer every time. I can rewind just a few seconds and play that one part over and she giggles again! Usually she stares into the abyss of the TV, I swear that thing defines the phrase necessary evil, and I am worried the entire time that my child will have no brain left by kindergarten. Something amuses her, she is developing her own sense of humor, she is a little...person. No longer a baby, although she is still so little and helpless in many ways, she is growing up before my eyes. There are two words that I immediately think of when reflecting on this process, amazing and heartbreaking. I use those two words all too often and I sure you will all get tired of hearing them, but to me, they define what I feel as I watch this wonderful little person.

I challenge all you moms to focus on the little things today with your children. When they scream, whine or rub their applesauce in their hair, remember that this stage will be over just as fast as the other ones have. And with all the things that drive us crazy, go the precious little things they will never do again.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Here's mine...

Thanks for the link Tara! Here's my signature, I am so proud, I am normally so computer stupid!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Random Question

Okay, I don't have a random question, but there's a setting in my profile that gives me a random question I can answer, well I did it and then it said it has to be 400 characters or less, well way to squelch my dreams there blogger gods! So here is my answer to the question it asked which was" You've just broken up with your band in order to release a solo album, what would your album liner say?"

I like this random question thing! Here's my album liner...

First of all I would like to thank the Lord, our God, for giving me the talent, means and strength to get through the making of this album. Second, I would like to thank my husband Ben, who has supported me unwaveringly during this whole process and who never doubted I could do this for a minute. His words are still with me..."knock 'em dead!" Ben you are the encourager of my happiness and the love of my life. Thank you for everything. To my daughter Kaitlyn, your smile inspires me more than you will even know, Mommy loves you! I would like to thank my family and friends for being a part of my creative process and enduring blog after blog that became most of my album! (Ha ha!) To my former band members, what an amazing journey we had together, I will always treasure those memories and I will miss touring with you guys so much! Thank you to all of my fans, what an amazing gift it is to have people identify with my music and enjoy what I do, nothing could mean more and you are the reason I am able to do this. I guess I should thank my agent and my label. I would also like to thank the assistants, make up people (I know I would need those) and wardrobe people, I am a little challenged sometimes but we made it!

Monday, September 3, 2007

Who knew?

Reading other peoples blogs has become a very time consuming hobby. Tara, I blame you! What an amazing way to spend a day with a friend who lives far away, or someone you've never met, but call a friend anyway. :) The nosy part of me loves the glimpse into a completely different life. This side of me triumphs in the fact that I am not the only mother losing her mind because her toddler will not stop spitting mouthfuls of milk out onto her shirt or wants to change her name to anything but "Mama" just for five minutes.

Switching topics...

Sometimes I feel guilty, wishing for silence, even for a fleeting moment, because I know some people have infinite silence and wish for squeals and laughter, not matter how loud. I know this is a phase and when she is older I will miss how attached and dependent she is on me, but some days just seem so long. If I leave the room, oh my, the world is ending. She is developing quite the attitude and instead of whining has now started screaming "NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Mostly when I pick her up and she doesn't want to be distracted from what she is doing.

But then there's times like the grocery store today. She must have said "Hi!" to every single person we passed in the store, some people got a greeting in every isle as we passed them on the same path. When I stopped in the ice cream section she spotted an ice cream with Dora on it, the new obsession, and said "Mama! It Dora!" (which she pronounces Dowa) And then here's the rest of the conversation in the ice cream isle...

A stranger walks by...
" Hi! It Dora! Bye bye!"
The crabby stranger does not even say hi back.
"Mama, it it it it Dora!" (She gets stuck sometimes and when she gets excited she says "it" over and over again)
"Yes Kaitlyn, I see that it's Dora."
"It it it it it it Boots!"
"I see him baby, say bye bye to Dora and Boots"
"Bye bye Dora!"
We walk past the popsicles that also have a box with Dora.
"It it it it it it Dora!"
We turn the corner
And she continues to shout out every single item she recognizes in the store until we leave. It was too cute. It just cracks me up because she has to shout them with excitement, like she's never seen a bottle of water before, everything is fresh, new and exciting. What a wonderful, pure, innocent view she has of the world. I wish it were tangible so I could put it away and keep it safe forever. And how heart wrenching it is to know that no matter what I do, I can't protect her forever. She is going to be hurt, taken advantage of, lied to and yet don't we all? We survived it, our parents survived it, I know she will be fine no matter what comes, but I still ache thinking about it. Yet, there is so much joy knowing the foundation we're setting for her. One that shows no matter what comes, you are never alone and nothing is impossible. The Lord is amazing and wonderful and faithful and forgiving and no matter what we do, we have a safe place in him. That there is something beyond this life, so filled with meaningless possessions and hatred, that will be more wonderful than our imaginations could ever comprehend. I just pray, beyond all prayers, that she chooses to allow the Lord to guide her life and sets her eyes on eternity.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I am officially obsessed

Oh the obsession of TTC. (Trying to conceive) I was trying to be cool about it, just hang around on the "Just Let it Happen" board and seriously just let it happen. Oh no, we're past that now. I was on the fence on this one but one of the girls on K's birth board just recently announced that she was pregnant and can you believe it, I was jealous. :)

I think Ben's obsessed too but in a different way. He is obsessed with having a boy. Now, I need to say that he would be thrilled to have another girl, but he really wants a boy eventually and he would like it to be the next one, probably because he'll be ready t be done after that. :) So we're doing what we can now to up our chances on having a boy, who knows if any of it really works, but it will make him feel better to try right?

So I am ready to start this amazing journey all over again, here we go! The only thing that makes me reluctant, besides remembering the recovery a few weeks after giving birth, is knowing this could be my last time doing all this. :( That just breaks my heart. I know I can't just keep having babies, I wouldn't want to, but I'm only on my first and somehow thinking about my last. How does it all happen so fast? Sometimes looking at her just hurts. Knowing I won't always be the center of her universe, and that in fact, one day she may not even like me. Today it was her hair, her hair that is just as unruly as she is and flies every which way, that made me realize how big she is getting. Something so simple, but proof that time is passing when I wish it wouldn't, or that I could at least slow it down a little. I so enjoy having a cute little girl that people ooh and ahh over everywhere we go. And whatever the next baby is, and whenever it arrives, I know we'll be ready for even the most painful moments, because it's those moments that remind us how truly blessed we are.

Monday, August 27, 2007

My first post is a vent, what does that tell you?

I don't really want to get into it but I am irritated today. It's not a big deal, I know how blessed I am in my life, I am just having a moment. I need to go scream into my pillowcase. It's definitely Monday.

Oh well, how many people like what they do all day? How many people aren't overwhelmed when they think about doing housework and cooking and laundry and feeding the dog and bathing the baby and shopping...the list goes on. I know it's normal to be overwhelmed by everything, but I think most people power through and get those things done. Me, I just shut down and do nothing. And then the next day there is even more to deal with and again, I shut down and do nothing and everything piles up until I feel like I am going to scream. I feel like I get next to no help with all these things and yes I am home all day BUT I work from home. I work 11 hours a day, 5 days a week from home, so no, I don't just sit around.

I have also signed up for fall classes this semester. Eventually I want to have a career, something for me, after the kids start school and I need school to get there. What do I want to do you ask? I have NO idea, but I know the desire is there. The desire to interact with other human beings during the day that aren't under 2. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade being at home with K for anything, but I don't want to do this forever for other people's kids. This is a means to an end.

Which brings me to my next Why does money have to complicate everything? Even when you have enough or more than enough? We're doing great right now, better than ever. I know we would be fine without my income, but something is holding me back. I know we won't fit in this house forever and we could wait forever to gain enough equity to move without having a down payment for the next house. Granted real estate in CA is crazy but I am a California girl born and raised, I am not leaving just because the housing market is a bit floopy, there's a reason for that folks! In my opinion, this is the best state to live in. I love it here, but more important, our families are here. I think grandparents are important and my parents would die if we ever moved away.

BUT, getting back to my money thing...I could quit now, be a SAHM and we'd be fine, we'd be tight, but we'd make it. But knowing that pretty much how much I make, or don't make, directly decides when we can move, ahhhh! It's all so stressful. I think Ben would rather me work, he has said if I hate it I can quit tomorrow, he doesn't care, but the fact that I don't make bad money never ceases to be mentioned either. And I know if I told him I am truly unhappy he wouldn't care if I quit, but what would I be giving up? And what if I do quit and in three years we are cramped and want to move but the market had taken a dive and there's no way to pay off the negative equity in our house and buy another one, will I kick myself forever? I feel like so much rides on this decision, especially my happiness and sanity. Is the money worth it?