Tuesday, September 18, 2007


I just looked up the definition of that word and it SO does not mean how we use it in my house, but I will give you the Nelson dictionary definition. :) Being mullygrubbed (or "mully" for short) means being in a funk. There is no real explanation or concrete reason you're just feeling blah. Well that's where I am right now. I am hormonally charged and I have no idea what's going on with my body. I am 5 days late now for my period with absolutely NO sign of it's approach and I have broken out like a teenager, which happened when I was pregnant with K. Nonetheless all three, count them 1, 2, 3 preganacy tests have been negative.

I have no patience for the kids, even my own. I feel anxious, who knows what about. I haven't prayed in weeks except with Kaitlyn and my prayers with her are very genuine and sincere but I can find no time for myself to read, pray, think. I have been cleaning like a mad woman all day and see no difference. Ben is now working nights so I don't see a lot of him, which means I have good time to get my homework done and clean the house but I just don't know. I know I was made for something better but I can't seem to make a commitment and stick to it and make a true and real change in my life or my relationship with God. My heart hurts and I know what advice I would give myself, if I were on the outside, but it's not as easy as all that. I know to change I have to want to change. And I want to want to change, but I guess I don't want to change enough that I actually act on it, does that make sense? I feel so alone right now which is ridiculous because I never get to be alone one second of the day :)

The funny thing is I know I have nothing to complain about. My life is so very blessed, but I guess this is just a cycle I go through. Kaitlyn cracks me up, she is precious and beautiful. I have a wonderful marriage. I just feel lost.


I'm Tara. said...

Oh, Em -- you know (well, I think you know) that I have SO been there. In fact, I'm usually there every few weeks. :)

I'm sorry you're feeling so lost. I can tell you that I know exactly what you're talking about with wanting to make changes, trying to do something, and not feeling successful.

I wish I were close enough for a hug and some Starbucks. I'd bring you a PSL on the double!!!

You know where to find me -- and btw -- you can just shush me up and talk about this stuff next time we talk!!!!

Huge hugs, honey. Here's a verse for you:
Isaiah 58:11
"The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, live an ever-flowing spring."

BethAnne said...

I think this must be a mommy thing. I bet if you polled all mothers 9.99 out of 10 would say that they feel the same way (and often). So, please dont feel alone in your "funk" - I will pray for you today!

itsyoureternalsoul said...

It's been 7 years now. I still do not know what preganacy is.