Monday, August 27, 2007

My first post is a vent, what does that tell you?

I don't really want to get into it but I am irritated today. It's not a big deal, I know how blessed I am in my life, I am just having a moment. I need to go scream into my pillowcase. It's definitely Monday.

Oh well, how many people like what they do all day? How many people aren't overwhelmed when they think about doing housework and cooking and laundry and feeding the dog and bathing the baby and shopping...the list goes on. I know it's normal to be overwhelmed by everything, but I think most people power through and get those things done. Me, I just shut down and do nothing. And then the next day there is even more to deal with and again, I shut down and do nothing and everything piles up until I feel like I am going to scream. I feel like I get next to no help with all these things and yes I am home all day BUT I work from home. I work 11 hours a day, 5 days a week from home, so no, I don't just sit around.

I have also signed up for fall classes this semester. Eventually I want to have a career, something for me, after the kids start school and I need school to get there. What do I want to do you ask? I have NO idea, but I know the desire is there. The desire to interact with other human beings during the day that aren't under 2. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade being at home with K for anything, but I don't want to do this forever for other people's kids. This is a means to an end.

Which brings me to my next Why does money have to complicate everything? Even when you have enough or more than enough? We're doing great right now, better than ever. I know we would be fine without my income, but something is holding me back. I know we won't fit in this house forever and we could wait forever to gain enough equity to move without having a down payment for the next house. Granted real estate in CA is crazy but I am a California girl born and raised, I am not leaving just because the housing market is a bit floopy, there's a reason for that folks! In my opinion, this is the best state to live in. I love it here, but more important, our families are here. I think grandparents are important and my parents would die if we ever moved away.

BUT, getting back to my money thing...I could quit now, be a SAHM and we'd be fine, we'd be tight, but we'd make it. But knowing that pretty much how much I make, or don't make, directly decides when we can move, ahhhh! It's all so stressful. I think Ben would rather me work, he has said if I hate it I can quit tomorrow, he doesn't care, but the fact that I don't make bad money never ceases to be mentioned either. And I know if I told him I am truly unhappy he wouldn't care if I quit, but what would I be giving up? And what if I do quit and in three years we are cramped and want to move but the market had taken a dive and there's no way to pay off the negative equity in our house and buy another one, will I kick myself forever? I feel like so much rides on this decision, especially my happiness and sanity. Is the money worth it?

1 comment:

Tara said...

Okay, YAY! Emily is blogging!! :) You throw as many pity parties as you want to -- like you said, this is all about you, my friend!

I can so relate to what you're going through. I really can. I'm sorry it's so stressful. The only thing saving my house is the fact that it's on the market but it is a HUGE struggle many days. As far as money goes...well, I went back to work full time for a year and I just couldn't do it. We would be SO set if I had stayed there, but it wasn't worth it for me in the end. I don't know how you do daycare. When I traded with my neighbor last summer I thought I would go nuts and that was one day a week. I just am not cut out for it, especially at home. I know that you do a great job though.

Is there a way to compromise? (That's where my mind always goes.) Is there a daycare center or something near you that needs help like 1-2 days a week? That way you could take K with you -- lots of them let them go for free and still be home with her, too? I know that MOPS groups are ALWAYS looking for people to help in the daycare part.

Whatever you decide, just remember there is no cookbook for how to do this and which decisions to make.

Vent away, girlfriend.