Time heals all wounds, right?

I have been trying to think of a way to move on from my previous post, two words I cannot seem to get past. It feels like if I write words over those ones then it just didn't happen. I am at peace knowing it just wasn't the right time, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

And to compound everything, my doctors office made everything so much worse. No one ever called me or even showed any compassion when I called them. I know this happens to many women, but I am one woman and this was monumental for me. A little compassion wouldn't hurt them. Now I am trying to figure out if I even should bother letting them know I lost the baby, they didn't seem to care while it was happening so why would they care now? I am hoping that my referral for an OBGYN went through and that I can go talk to someone who knows what they are talking about and has some sympathy and bedside manner to go with their fancy doctorate.

Like I said, I know this is common, I KNOW there is a bigger plan, I KNOW we can have others, but it will never be that one. There is still a person I will always wonder about and will never know, at least not in this life.

Guess what...

I'm pregnant. :)

Mollygrubbed

I just looked up the definition of that word and it SO does not mean how we use it in my house, but I will give you the Nelson dictionary definition. :) Being mullygrubbed (or "mully" for short) means being in a funk. There is no real explanation or concrete reason you're just feeling blah. Well that's where I am right now. I am hormonally charged and I have no idea what's going on with my body. I am 5 days late now for my period with absolutely NO sign of it's approach and I have broken out like a teenager, which happened when I was pregnant with K. Nonetheless all three, count them 1, 2, 3 preganacy tests have been negative.

I have no patience for the kids, even my own. I feel anxious, who knows what about. I haven't prayed in weeks except with Kaitlyn and my prayers with her are very genuine and sincere but I can find no time for myself to read, pray, think. I have been cleaning like a mad woman all day and see no difference. Ben is now working nights so I don't see a lot of him, which means I have good time to get my homework done and clean the house but I just don't know. I know I was made for something better but I can't seem to make a commitment and stick to it and make a true and real change in my life or my relationship with God. My heart hurts and I know what advice I would give myself, if I were on the outside, but it's not as easy as all that. I know to change I have to want to change. And I want to want to change, but I guess I don't want to change enough that I actually act on it, does that make sense? I feel so alone right now which is ridiculous because I never get to be alone one second of the day :)

The funny thing is I know I have nothing to complain about. My life is so very blessed, but I guess this is just a cycle I go through. Kaitlyn cracks me up, she is precious and beautiful. I have a wonderful marriage. I just feel lost.

Sniff Sniff

I came across this picture today that I had totally forgotten about. We have a digital camera and I am not so good at getting the pictures printed, plus it just overwhelms me when I realize how I could spent the rest of my life scrap booking and still never be done :) It just touched me and I needed to share it...

Randomness

So Tara's blog got me thinking...I LOVE to share recipes with other women. When someone asks me for a recipe it is one of the highest compliments one could give me, that's just me. "Someone actually liked something I cooked enough to have it again and make it themselves? Happy day!"

So recently I have been wondering about why some women refuse to give out recipes. My stepmother is still wondering about the fudge recipe her grandmother gave to her that doesn't work. This was no accident for sure, my step mom is a wonderful cook and just knows that her grandmother messed it up on purpose. How sad that this recipe, and the memories that came of her making it all those years died with her. And when my step mom recently asked someone if they could exchange recipes sometime the person rudely said she "didn't have time for that sort of thing." So here's my challenge ladies...give out your "secret" recipe. You don't have to give it to me, but give someone the recipe that comforts you more than any other, or one that is just so delectable you just sigh at that first bite. I don't think any of my friends are like this but I had to get that one out. :)

More randomness...

Kaitlyn ate a corn dog for lunch today. I don't know why this is such a big deal, but to me it just is. I gave it to her, stick and all, and she daintily dipped it in ketchup and ate the entire thing. And then when we were in the car today she shouted "It's a truck!" Was that a sentence? Alright I will admit it came out more like "Eesh sha twuck!" but I knew what she meant. All these little things that are so huge right now. I will never get used to how sad it makes me. I know I should be excited, but something in me knows it will never be like this again.

Which brings me to my next topic, (hey I warned you it was random today) the next baby. Still no period and a negative HPT yesterday which makes me think there's no way because with K I took the same kind of test (the $ Tree ones) 2 days before my period was due and got a positive. I was supposed to start yesterday so I would think if I was pregnant I would get a positive by now. And somehow the obsession has died a little. Don't get me wrong we are still trying and I will be thrilled if I was but I am at peace knowing it is not my timing I should be concerned with.

It's the little things...

There are some things I get so excited about. This is not the new car kind of excited, or even the new Coach bag kind of excited. (The whole $300 purse things still confuses me) I am talking about the infamous "little things." My days are full of them. Yesterday it amused me to no end that Kaitlyn now laughs at a certain part of Dora the Explorer every time. I can rewind just a few seconds and play that one part over and she giggles again! Usually she stares into the abyss of the TV, I swear that thing defines the phrase necessary evil, and I am worried the entire time that my child will have no brain left by kindergarten. Something amuses her, she is developing her own sense of humor, she is a little...person. No longer a baby, although she is still so little and helpless in many ways, she is growing up before my eyes. There are two words that I immediately think of when reflecting on this process, amazing and heartbreaking. I use those two words all too often and I sure you will all get tired of hearing them, but to me, they define what I feel as I watch this wonderful little person.

I challenge all you moms to focus on the little things today with your children. When they scream, whine or rub their applesauce in their hair, remember that this stage will be over just as fast as the other ones have. And with all the things that drive us crazy, go the precious little things they will never do again.

Here's mine...

Thanks for the link Tara! Here's my signature, I am so proud, I am normally so computer stupid!

Random Question

Okay, I don't have a random question, but there's a setting in my profile that gives me a random question I can answer, well I did it and then it said it has to be 400 characters or less, well way to squelch my dreams there blogger gods! So here is my answer to the question it asked which was" You've just broken up with your band in order to release a solo album, what would your album liner say?"

I like this random question thing! Here's my album liner...

First of all I would like to thank the Lord, our God, for giving me the talent, means and strength to get through the making of this album. Second, I would like to thank my husband Ben, who has supported me unwaveringly during this whole process and who never doubted I could do this for a minute. His words are still with me..."knock 'em dead!" Ben you are the encourager of my happiness and the love of my life. Thank you for everything. To my daughter Kaitlyn, your smile inspires me more than you will even know, Mommy loves you! I would like to thank my family and friends for being a part of my creative process and enduring blog after blog that became most of my album! (Ha ha!) To my former band members, what an amazing journey we had together, I will always treasure those memories and I will miss touring with you guys so much! Thank you to all of my fans, what an amazing gift it is to have people identify with my music and enjoy what I do, nothing could mean more and you are the reason I am able to do this. I guess I should thank my agent and my label. I would also like to thank the assistants, make up people (I know I would need those) and wardrobe people, I am a little challenged sometimes but we made it!

Who knew?

Reading other peoples blogs has become a very time consuming hobby. Tara, I blame you! What an amazing way to spend a day with a friend who lives far away, or someone you've never met, but call a friend anyway. :) The nosy part of me loves the glimpse into a completely different life. This side of me triumphs in the fact that I am not the only mother losing her mind because her toddler will not stop spitting mouthfuls of milk out onto her shirt or wants to change her name to anything but "Mama" just for five minutes.

Switching topics...

Sometimes I feel guilty, wishing for silence, even for a fleeting moment, because I know some people have infinite silence and wish for squeals and laughter, not matter how loud. I know this is a phase and when she is older I will miss how attached and dependent she is on me, but some days just seem so long. If I leave the room, oh my, the world is ending. She is developing quite the attitude and instead of whining has now started screaming "NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Mostly when I pick her up and she doesn't want to be distracted from what she is doing.

But then there's times like the grocery store today. She must have said "Hi!" to every single person we passed in the store, some people got a greeting in every isle as we passed them on the same path. When I stopped in the ice cream section she spotted an ice cream with Dora on it, the new obsession, and said "Mama! It Dora!" (which she pronounces Dowa) And then here's the rest of the conversation in the ice cream isle...

A stranger walks by...
" Hi! It Dora! Bye bye!"
The crabby stranger does not even say hi back.
"Hi!"
"Mama, it it it it Dora!" (She gets stuck sometimes and when she gets excited she says "it" over and over again)
"Yes Kaitlyn, I see that it's Dora."
"It it it it it it Boots!"
"I see him baby, say bye bye to Dora and Boots"
"Bye bye Dora!"
We walk past the popsicles that also have a box with Dora.
"It it it it it it Dora!"
We turn the corner
"Water!"
And she continues to shout out every single item she recognizes in the store until we leave. It was too cute. It just cracks me up because she has to shout them with excitement, like she's never seen a bottle of water before, everything is fresh, new and exciting. What a wonderful, pure, innocent view she has of the world. I wish it were tangible so I could put it away and keep it safe forever. And how heart wrenching it is to know that no matter what I do, I can't protect her forever. She is going to be hurt, taken advantage of, lied to and yet don't we all? We survived it, our parents survived it, I know she will be fine no matter what comes, but I still ache thinking about it. Yet, there is so much joy knowing the foundation we're setting for her. One that shows no matter what comes, you are never alone and nothing is impossible. The Lord is amazing and wonderful and faithful and forgiving and no matter what we do, we have a safe place in him. That there is something beyond this life, so filled with meaningless possessions and hatred, that will be more wonderful than our imaginations could ever comprehend. I just pray, beyond all prayers, that she chooses to allow the Lord to guide her life and sets her eyes on eternity.