What a Joyful Day

Today while driving to a play date Kaitlyn was talking my ear off, as usual, and mentioned that Jesus always protects us. I said "yes, he does" and then she said something I will never forget. She said, with a rather worried tone of voice, "well I know He loves me but I just don't KNOW that he's really in my heart." This is not the first time this subject has come up, the previous time was also in the car and I felt ill equipped to handle something with such gravity. I wanted Ben with me to witness the moment and help us pray. But this time I knew I couldn't put it off again. My girl was aching at the core of her being to know with all certainty that what she was wishing so desperately could be true. I told her that in order for Him to live there that she has to invite Him in, and promise to follow Him forever. It was the best I could do in the moment and I was trying not to overwhelm my eager four year old with ramblings of adult theology. She simply wanted to know He was there, for sure. I told her I would pray a prayer of salvation with her and that Jesus would be in her heart if we prayed it together.

After a short lecture about how I should not close my eyes and pray while I drive because I "might bonk something with the car" and after I assured her I would keep my eyes open, we prayed. I said the words, and she repeated them carefully, word for word, head bowed, eyes closed. When we finished I assured her that Jesus had heard her prayer and that he now lived in her heart, forever. When I looked back the smile on her face was indescribable, so peaceful and joyful at the same time. Let me tell you, the rain had nothing to do with the blurred vision I was experiencing in that moment.

Then the day went on as usual. She played, laughed, sang songs and cried about losing a hand of Old Maid to her mom. But I couldn't help but wonder...does she really get it? Which immediately I answer myself in my head "do ANY of us REALLY get it?" My fear for her is that being so young she won't remember that moment, that somehow things will become stagnant, common and boring when it comes to her faith. What a huge weight it is to feel responsible for helping to guide her on this path and help keep her excited in it. Mostly today I feel grateful that God saw fit to come to earth, save me, and continue His legacy in my child. Her future was written before she was born, but today I got a small glimpse of what it could hold, and the possibilities truly are endless.

So this is her, as she is today, four years old and teaching me so much already. Part of me can't help but sigh in relief knowing that compared to her eternal fate, everything else is "easy" from here. :)

A Glimpse Into the Future...

This week Kaitlyn has been starting every sentence with "When I'm big and I'm a mommy..." She has also informed me that when she's a mommy she is going to have four babies and everyone will see her driving around in her van with her four babies. She recently stuck a balloon under her dress and exclaimed "Look Mom, I'm preganant!" So much of how she views her world comes through in her desire to be big. She is constantly saying "I wish I could do that when I'm big."

I wish I could explain to her to that these are the most wonderful, carefree days of her life. That childhood is fleeting and one day much too soon the innocence of childhood will have long since faded and the reality of adulthood will truly be upon her. I wish I could protect her from it. Yet each new skill of independence marks a milestone, a sigh of relief that we are preparing her well for the life that is ahead of her. I just wish I could look ahead, to know how better to prepare her, how to protect her from injury, and disappointment, and heartache. To know what her specific trials will be and help her before she even reaches them.

When I thought about being a mother I never imagined worrying as much as I do. Once when Kaitlyn was a newborn I remember starting to cry one day. Ben asked what was wrong and I started to blubber something about "what if she meets the wrong boy when she's a teenager and makes the wrong choices and there's nothing we can do..." I think Ben's response was something like "Honey, she's 13 days old, let's worry about day 14 and then we can worry later about when she's 13 years old."

True, I was probably a tad bit emotional and postpartum, but the point is, I think as mothers it's inherent to worry. I have perfected that skill. The skill that still needs work is trust. Trusting the Lord to know the path for my children's lives and trust He will guide me in preparing them for those paths. He knows every second of what will happen in my children's lives and I need to trust in that. Not only because I am commanded to, but also as an example to my children in where my faith lies. I think a part of me will always be a worry wart about my children but I know I need to practice less worry and more trust.

So today, despite my worry about who her future husband will be, if she'll stay close to home so I can see her often, if I will be here to see her through each trial she will face until then; I will trust in what I know. Today, she is four. She loves wearing dresses and pumping herself on the swing. Her favorite food is Macaroni and Cheese and her biggest challenge in life is living with her brother. For all the rest, I will trust in what Jeremiah 29:11 says. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I know my children have awesome, amazing futures planned for their lives. But a part of me still holds on to my mommy worry. Especially when my four year old starts pretending to be pregnant and talking about how many children she'll be loading up in the minivan.

Faithfulness

I have been a bit emotional lately. When I feel down I can always count on one person for support, my best friend Lynne. She is a source of strength and encouragement to me and I can always count on her to listen and give me the honest feedback I need. I can call her anytime, day or night, and say anything knowing I am safe confiding in her. She never judges or interrupts, she just listens. She has seen me at my best and at my worst, and still loves me unconditionally.

Thinking about these wonderful truths makes me so thankful to have such a friend. I know I am blessed to have even one person I can count as a true friend. But it saddens me that I can't have the same confidence and trust in our Lord. That I don't consider HIM my first source of comfort and that I don't go to him first with my doubts. I long to be someone who has limitless faith, someone who always knows everything will be fine. I wish I never had anxiety about anything because I know He is in charge of everything. But the truth is...I do feel anxious, about many things. I do worry, and wonder, and question His plan for my life.

When Lynne and I met I could never have imagined our friendship would be what it is now. Our husbands decided we would all sit together at a Marine Corps Ball. I was quite hesitant about being forced to socialize all night with a woman I had never met before. In fact, I had a terrible attitude about it and told Ben something along the lines of "what if I don't like her at all, what if we have nothing in common?" Ben assured me her husband was a good guy and he was sure we would at least get along. Not only did we get along, we spend the entire night gabbing like sisters and, as my husband describes, "ignoring the guys." :) I found an instant friend in her and even if we only had the Marine Corps in common, that was enough, it was an understanding, a way of life. And this way of life was something not even my closest friends from home could understand.

Little did we know all we would go through together during the next 4 years. When the guys left for Iraq the first time I called Lynne the next day to ask what she was doing. I had just moved there and didn't know a soul. She was going to church and offered to pick me up on the way there. I accepted, relieved not to be alone. When she arrived to pick me up she was a vision of strength. She had obviously been crying, but she was a woman of faith, she knew it was God's plan and that her husband would be home soon. That deployment was full of ups and downs, as anyone could expect. But there was a tight bond formed by a small group of wives whose husband were all overseas. We cried a lot, but looking back, we laughed quite a bit as well. We had sleepovers, went on trips, scrapbooked into the early morning, cried on each others shoulders when we missed our husbands phone calls, celebrated every letter received in the mail and counted each day past as one closer to our men.

The bond formed in those months is difficult to describe. Part of it was out of necessity, survival. Just to have someone who knew how you were feeling without having to say one word. Someone to offer a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen or a cup of hot tea to comfort. Someone who reminded you that you are not alone. We even named our "club" with a name and story too silly and secret to say. None of us had children yet and I count this as my "college experience." These were my sorority sisters, my bosom friends. (as Anne of Green Gables would say) Not only were we wonderful friends, but we were all Christians. And although we were all in very different places in our walk, we were all walking.

My husband's second deployment to Iraq would be the biggest test of my faith by far. He left on the day of our first wedding anniversary and after being there for ten weeks he was seriously injured, and the only survivor of that accident. After two days of feeling helpless and lost I suddenly knew what I had to do. I got on a plane and flew to Germany to get my husband. We arrived in the United States together and began his healing process at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Lynne was in New York visiting her mother at the time and drove 8 hours one way on icy roads with a 5 month old to see us, have dinner, and drive back. I don't think she said two words that night. She was just there, there for support, there to listen to me pour my heart out. When Ben and I arrived home a few weeks later I arrived to a spotless house, cleaned by my friends and a few women from church. This was a miracle! Everything was bright, fresh and cheery. My fridge and cupboards were full of food and the love put into making this as special a homecoming as possible was evident throughout our home.

As the months and years passed, our lives began to change. Some of us had children, some were restationed to other countries, some decided against the military world and became civilians once again. These women will always be an example of faith and love for me. They are still, and will always be my kindred spirits, no matter how many miles or months are between us. So to all my special friends out there (you know who you are) thank you for being my sisters and my family. You are special beyond measure and I cannot deny the Lord's faithfulness in allowing our paths to cross. But my true prayer today is to fully trust our Lord to be the first one I run to when I am feeling lost or discouraged. To be as faithful to Him as I pray He will continue to be in my life. To allow my friends to be the blessing that they are, and allow our Lord to have his rightful place in my heart.

Prisoner of Potty Training!

It all started on Sun Feb 10th. Kaitlyn told me she had to go potty and dragged me to the bathroom where she sat down and went. Mon the same thing happened and Tues followed suite. Tues I finally decided that was it. Three days in a row of her initiating it was enough of a sign of readiness. I put her in panties and off we went! We had two accidents that day, one of which I probably could have prevented because she was too into Dora and didn't want to go. The second day we didn't have any accidents. I was shocked and so proud and pleased. From there it's been a whirl of potties and panties. :) There have been some accidents and the #2 situation is still a bit shaky but I figure we'll get a hold of peeing and work from there.

There are so many transitions in the first few years of a child's life and to be honest, I have dreaded almost all of them, this one included and have realized, with a sigh of relief that each one turns out infinitely better than I ever thought possible. I think I had a harder time giving up bottles than she did, her pacifier was a breeze, and the one I dreaded most, one day we couldn't find it, we told her it was all gone, and that was that. There are two main points to all of this...

#1 I am scared about our next child if everything with her has been this easy!
#2 I STILL need to learn to let go and trust that things will happen at the EXACT moment they are supposed to.

Now this is not to say there will never be challenges or resistance to transitions like these, but the point is, I need to know that I can feel this kind of peace beforehand, not after when everything is over and done.

If anyone out there still occasionally checks my blog to see if I am alive, I am still here, thanks for believing in me :)