This week Kaitlyn has been starting every sentence with "When I'm big and I'm a mommy..." She has also informed me that when she's a mommy she is going to have four babies and everyone will see her driving around in her van with her four babies. She recently stuck a balloon under her dress and exclaimed "Look Mom, I'm preganant!" So much of how she views her world comes through in her desire to be big. She is constantly saying "I wish I could do that when I'm big."
I wish I could explain to her to that these are the most wonderful, carefree days of her life. That childhood is fleeting and one day much too soon the innocence of childhood will have long since faded and the reality of adulthood will truly be upon her. I wish I could protect her from it. Yet each new skill of independence marks a milestone, a sigh of relief that we are preparing her well for the life that is ahead of her. I just wish I could look ahead, to know how better to prepare her, how to protect her from injury, and disappointment, and heartache. To know what her specific trials will be and help her before she even reaches them.
When I thought about being a mother I never imagined worrying as much as I do. Once when Kaitlyn was a newborn I remember starting to cry one day. Ben asked what was wrong and I started to blubber something about "what if she meets the wrong boy when she's a teenager and makes the wrong choices and there's nothing we can do..." I think Ben's response was something like "Honey, she's 13 days old, let's worry about day 14 and then we can worry later about when she's 13 years old."
True, I was probably a tad bit emotional and postpartum, but the point is, I think as mothers it's inherent to worry. I have perfected that skill. The skill that still needs work is trust. Trusting the Lord to know the path for my children's lives and trust He will guide me in preparing them for those paths. He knows every second of what will happen in my children's lives and I need to trust in that. Not only because I am commanded to, but also as an example to my children in where my faith lies. I think a part of me will always be a worry wart about my children but I know I need to practice less worry and more trust.
So today, despite my worry about who her future husband will be, if she'll stay close to home so I can see her often, if I will be here to see her through each trial she will face until then; I will trust in what I know. Today, she is four. She loves wearing dresses and pumping herself on the swing. Her favorite food is Macaroni and Cheese and her biggest challenge in life is living with her brother. For all the rest, I will trust in what Jeremiah 29:11 says. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I know my children have awesome, amazing futures planned for their lives. But a part of me still holds on to my mommy worry. Especially when my four year old starts pretending to be pregnant and talking about how many children she'll be loading up in the minivan.
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